i no longer even have the energy or thought to write an entry.

my brain has officially shut down.

Time to update about MUN. So it started off pretty okay. Woke up at 5:30 AM to straighten my hair, went to school by 6:30. Met some juniors and seniors, then went off to the room to prepare. Apparently Mr. M. Armstrong is a psycho about keeping his room exactly the same so we were all paranoid the entire day. Joy of all joys, I was not allowed to go to opening ceremony, so I spent time with Liz, Keith, Jon Hwang, Chiao, and Pooja watching this really retarded Black Brotherhood movie on Comedy Central. Then I went back as committee got started.

We had the full number of delegates. Lucky us, since we figured that at least five people weren't coming. So off me and Benson go, looking for chairs. The conference itself was as boring as hell. I listened to speeches when I had to, gave caucus points when I had to, and mostly wrote notes on the table to Benson. Who made me almost laugh out loud multiple times. Formal caucus was the most boring thing ever because all their responses were exactly the goddamn same and it never varied. We should have never given them ten minutes. I learned why chairs never really notice some people. I got to decide the point cutoff for awards. I did some pretty interesting stuff.

Then even more joy. I didn't get to go to closing ceremony because Mr. Mustard was being a seriously retarded butt. Instead, I got to put all the chairs back, go on my hands and knees in a skirt to pick up pieces of grass since someone exploded the dang vacuum bag, and then wait in the room forever until the teacher finally came back to inspect.

Then some of us went to Mimi's Cafe. It was fun. We need to learn how to pay for food better. Corn will never be the same again. Neither will unbuttoned shirts. Or a myriad of other things that got somehow perverted into monstrosities that dinner. That day was the most tiring but fun days I've had in a while. Benson Gao is cool :)

I've been feeling more and more stressed lately. And the sad thing is, I realize that I do so much less than others. Other people are in sports, band, ASB, cheer, leaders of clubs, volunteer, academy, blah blah blah. If they don't have that, then they are extremely academically talented in one way or another. Yet, I am not in the top classes and I am not involved in some extracurricular activity I am extremely good at. I'm more tired than people that sleep at 3 am and wake up at 6. I can't run for shit. My grades, while not bad, are not great. My SAT score sucks. School measures how well you conform to schedules and rules. It does not measure intelligence. Now I'm not saying that I'm more intelligent than others. I'm just saying that while I seem to know more than a lot of people, those people usually have higher grades than me and express amazement when I disclose my grade to them. Oh joy.

What am I good for? I don't even know myself. I don't know what I want to do in life. I don't know how to motivate myself to get to a point where I can prod myself into going after what I really want. What I like, I can't do well. What I do well, I hate or it's so obscure that there's no relevance to it in real life. I don't seem to have the close friends or the right grades or the athletic ability to do anything. So what do I do? I feel like I'm just left there as the last resort for anyone, if other people bail on them. I'm tired of being treated like this. I have feelings you know. Just because I smile and wave it away doesn't mean that on the inside, I'm perfectly fine with it too. I know that you have closer friends than me. That doesn't give you the right to just brush me off at the last second without saying anything if you promised. And that applies to more than one person that I know.

In short, it all boils down to this. Stop being a hypocrite. Notice me as a person with feelings and hopes and dreams of her own. Keep the drama down. But most of all? Be my friend. Ask me how I feel. Ask me my opinion on something. If I say something too academic, don't brush me off as "too smart" and just ignore me. I don't know any other way to interact with people. And how do I learn if there's no one for me to ever talk to?

Life sucks. Then you die.

I was talking to someone about songs a while back. It made me think of songs that affect me, or that I like. So I now share them with you! 20 songs in no particular order:

1. Where'd You Go - Fort Minor
2. Stop This Train - John Mayer
3. Midnight Cries - Ken Oak Band
4. Intangible - Ken Oak Band
5. All I Have to Give - Backstreet Boys
6. Diary of Jane - Breaking Benjamin
7. Sunday Morning - Maroon 5
8. Hands Held High - Linkin Park
9. Kingdom Come - Coldplay
10. Yellow - Coldplay
11. Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon
12. Stan - Eminem
13. A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz
14. Belief - John Mayer
15. Roses - Kanye West
16. Quando, Quando, Quando - Michael Bublé
17. Hip-Hop is Dead - Nas
18. Two Weeks from Twenty - Yellowcard
19. Because of You - 98 Degrees
20. Stand Up - Flobots

I realize most of them are singing songs or really cheesy old songs. I still like all of them. You should listen to all of them too and tell me what you think of those songs :) Some I chose for lyrics, some I chose for the way they sound, some I chose for both!

I realize this is a really bad attempt at writing a Xanga entry. Perhaps after conference...

Things in the next few months:
-CHSMUN conference. Assistant moderator :)
-APES, APUSH, Physics, French, and AP Calc tests.
-Volunteer @ Performing Arts Center 10/10, 10/18, and 10/31
-Suburban League #1 on Thursday
-CHS Meet next Wednesday
-SAT 10/10
-PSAT 10/17
-UCLAMUN soon
-and the usual homework/clarinet/school/practice going on...

In between, you'll find me listening to music. It's the only way to get through the day sometimes.

Listen with me :)